By: Marissa Gorski
“Authority exercised with humility, and obedience accepted with delight are the very lines along which our spirits live.” C.S. Lewis
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you consider whether or not you delight in your children? Of course, we all love our little ones! But what can it mean to truly delight in them? Are there barriers or distractions in our lives that we are able to eliminate so delighting occurs more freely?
By definition, “delight” simply means: great pleasure, joy, satisfaction, or a high degree of gratification of mind. So how can we increase the likelihood that we’ll enjoy these feelings when it comes to our parenting?
I think it’s important to say first, that having the ability to delight in our children is reflected in both opportunity as well as privilege. The mother who is exhausted, burned out, and with little support will likely have a harder time delighting in her children as often – especially on those difficult parenting days. But if we can remain in a reasonably healthy head space, with a bit of self care and our basic mommy needs met (which takes work!), experiencing delight can absolutely become a daily occurrence!
Here is a list of a few things that help me personally to welcome delight in my children.
Avoiding Distraction
The first thing that allows me to experience more delight is to avoid distraction. For me, this can be the visual distraction that comes with lots of clutter or mess around me. I will be the first to tell my kiddos that mommy can’t sit, relax and watch their hand stands like they want if I’m distracted by a wildly messy room. So a quick tidy up can instantly create an environment where we can enjoy eachother’s company more.
Another type of distraction I am working on avoiding is phone use. A dear mama friend once explained how when deciding whether to commit to something outside of the home (without her children), she always compared whether that thing had more to offer her than being with her children. Hardly anything ever measured up. What a great litmus test! Does this thing I’m looking at on my phone compare even remotely to how important these cool little people are? Is it so important that I must remove my attention from them and look at it instead? Can it wait until we aren’t together, until they’re playing outside, until bedtime? What must it be like for this generation of children to grow up constantly seeing our faces lit up, not upon their entering a room as it should be, but lit up by a screen instead?
A step I’ve taken to hinder my phone use, aside from setting a timer on my most used apps, is actually wrapping a rubber band around my phone. After hearing on a podcast how the physical act of your thumb bumping into this band both reminds you of your intention to use your phone less, as well as disrupting the action of scrolling, I knew I wanted to try it.
Kim John Payne writes in Simplicity Parenting – one of my most favorite parenting books – that each time we pick up our phone in distraction, the act is felt to our children as a “micro abandonment”. We’ve left them. We’ve decided that the thing on our screen is more important than they are in that moment. That clearly will not help us foster delight in anything but the dopamine we receive from our phones!
Gratitude
Another things that helps me to delight more in my children, is to really lean into gratitude. It can be so easy, especially when us mamas are tired, burned out, over stimulated, and overwhelmed, to look around and grumble or complain. I just cleaned this kitchen, how is it such a disaster again!? We cleaned up all the toys so nicely last night and everything’s a mess again! If I have to battle over one more math lesson, I’m going to scream! Sibling fights, household responsibilities, our spouse’s expectations… these things can all really take a toll on us. But if we’re able to take a deep breath and re-frame our attitude to be one rooted in gratitude rather than resentment, it’ll get us on that path to delight sooner.
A messy kitchen? We were fortunate enough to have access to food and a way to cook it! A million toys laying around? How wonderful that out children have a warm, safe home to play in. That math lesson that’s causing the meltdown? Who better to sit with my daughter and offer her one on one attention to work through it?
How delightful it is that in choosing to home educate, we are providing our children with so many opportunities. We’re extending their childhood by avoiding peer orientation, we’re allowing them to explore their own interests, we’re giving them a slower schedule, tailored days, and predictable rhythms. There is so much to be grateful for – so many ways to look in their eyes and truly delight in them.
Connecting with Community
Sometimes on those hard days, when delight seems far away, reaching out to a fellow homeschool mama can be a true lifeline. Someone to reply with an “Oh my gosh! We barely got through math today too! Want to meet at the park?” None of us are perfect and no one will be brimming with gratitude at all times. Knowing when to reach out, ask for support or just an ear to listen can be wonderfully affirming! And be sure to surround yourself with mamas who inspire you to be your best self! We want those in our corner to offer support, encouragement, and life-giving words! Sometimes reaching out to the wrong person only ends with suggestions that won’t sit right with your values.
Connecting with Uplifting Content
Just like we hope to surround ourselves with a village that builds us up and encourages us, we should also strive to take in parenting content that will inspire us to put our best foot forward and see the best in our children! Understanding their brain development, keeping reasonable expectations for behaviour, and absorbing positive parenting techniques can absolutely help us to delight in their presence, even when they might be having a hard day, acting out, or pushing our buttons! Parenting books and especially podcasts can be a quick way to take in encouraging messages. A few favourite parenting books of mine are:
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne (he has an amazingly valuable podcast as well!)
Extraordinary Parenting by Eloise Rickman
Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
The Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov
Delight for Mom!
In the same ways it is harder to experience delight from a place of exhaustion and overwhelm, it is thus easier to approach the goal of increasing delight with a cup that is full! Making time for what delights a mama is vital for our motherhood journey. Charlotte Mason mamas (those who homeschool in a Charlotte Mason style) will be well versed in the concept of mother culture: an idea rooted in a mother’s own educational, personal, and spiritual journey. Having hobbies, enjoyable ways to busy our hands like crafting, knitting or sewing, personal reading, time in nature, exercise, and self-education are all ways to fill our cups as home educating mamas!
I sincerely hope that there have been some ideas here you may like to try in your own home, and I pray you find endless ways to delight in the children in your care! Leave a comment below to share how you’ve discovered ways to delight in your children. And if you’d like to continue this conversation, you can find me on Instagram @marissa.at.home
